我們又如何能 輕言愛
愛情從來就是一廂情願的
當其慢慢擴大把我吸入其中 我不過是黑洞中的小粒子

就那麼樣 慢慢地 把自己放棄
慢慢地享受被磨拆的血肉 再慢慢 慢慢地向身邊的人 投訴
將明明理應在想像世界的幻影 投映出來
還豪不害羞給身旁的人手舞足蹈說說這 又說說那


要是有一匹血紅色的絲綢 單戀的人 就立即躺在上
豪不廉耻說 這是我為你流的血
明明 是那麼的美麗
就是明明是亮麗絞好的月夜 還是可以把它和人狼連上最惡作劇般的惡耗


對此 愛在人世間到底是不是就不過比恨只稍稍高級
而且 恨還有叫人熱血的力量呢
恨何時像黑洞無聲無息

記一個人 還是恨他
總比愛情的溫吞來得實際
若要愛呢 請也把他恨起來

是買一送一的高價單位呢

打開報紙 看到了吧

i tell you i never lie to you, it's a lie. but that's my intention.

just like how i open my legs for you. but that still not the most honest part of my body. until i feel your penis. for a certain moment i hv lost my mind nowhere.
i never cry in front of you. but i always cry for you. for your dignity. for you deny that you love me. or you need me. need my flesh. why denying love at first sight? is that because of we all afraid of how people here and now constructing love. full of committment and pain.

i wasnt even lie to you when my blood come over your penis. that was the third day of my period and i really need you. for the first time i feel very depressed few days after that. because i knew that it isnt fertilized. i nearly want to kill myself but i remember i hv promised whom i would not. oh, maybe that's you. the uncontrollable depression. i thought i always trying hard to be naked in front of you. but you never see clearly what's in my eyes. what i really looking for in my mind. do you really love me at all? what is love afterall? love isnt that appetite of sex? who cares the fucking love inside the pussy. or in my throat? did you kill her? what she trying to kill herself? but, why me? if both of us are suffering, why should i bull shit here? men is the busiest speice in the universe, they fight for the death and never return home. what they really deserved is loneliness, perhaps, the loneliness of their path. and women? being keep in a cage like me? with a block over my wall?


well. even thought there is no sex. we still have love, aint we? but the end of it, is coming soon. pain happens when we started to weight our give and take. and it is why every relationship is failed and spoiled. even, i really open myself for you. however i never learn good enough to play this game. i m always the loser. no love, no sex, no words, no no no no no. the only choice i left is to lie.

我好燃憎再被人叫你唔好咁灰。


世界係有希望，不過唔係我既希望。
揪來揪去，你咁諗關我乜事。

就係因為我咁灰，我一直都未死得。
多謝你多年來的不了解。


要我說世界幾好，中國幾強，你幾型。你才以為我無事。
咁，我唔會好返，亦唔想好返。



我病，可能係第一個忟死既人。如果我忟死，亦不過係一種死法。
你大可不必為我操心。
我天生是一個好燃煩既人。由細到大都問點解。

可能睇得多百科全書掛。唔係wiki, 係百科全書。
唔識考試唔識背書。只係要明。


我諗，我問少兩句講少兩句。你會覺得我平易近人。

如果你想。


我一定不是你想要既人，因為我無乜希望。或恆心或夢想。
而唔覺咁有乜問題。

life is always full of surprises. to clarify i am not unhappy i might hv to announce some of the lovely thing after my month in the new journey.

due to some "lousy" reason, i m always awakened during past weeks. not because of my changing life style (i delay my whole cycle 2 hours everyday since i started my new job), i m not sure if there is pressure but the fact is i hv lost 5 lbs. that's incredible, coz this is my lightest weight so far in the past 10 years.

think of it, u sweating under bring sunlight almost everyday. could not sleep due to serious sickness, and no more breadfast or even dinner. 5lbs seems reasonable, but out of my expectation.

and suddently you've got a chance to austrila, tho only stay for one fucking day (29 hours to be precise). and my book shelf due to that lousy reason is totally being "ruminated" by my mum. my "cultural study series" lost their privileged position, everything's losing their order (not to tell even inverted). the inner shelf finally hving their sun bath again, most of them are novels.

then my lovely coetzee's "slow man" , which bought 2 years ago finally have a chance to come out. with his "youth" too. i decided to bring this book with me.

so far it is still ok. if i temporarily forget the interview after the trip.

*** *** ***

today i had an interview with my beloved illustrator Yoshitaka Amano san, yes i recommended him to my editor coz i really like his sketch and the very dark mood.

he is inborn a character designer and artist, shy and living in his own little world even he is so famous around the globe. father of otaku, in his secret room.

i m so addicted to his vampire hunter D drawings and all of his pencil sketches. really have some sentiments like gustav klimt.

the most lovely thing must be, his hand sketch of vampire hunter D in my notebook. such a intimate and direct touch of his heart. thanks Amano-san.

in this situation, i will strongly advise you to get rest, immediately!

sick.cough.itchy.bleeding.tired. seems everything unfortunate evaporating into your pore

dust.dirt.insert.

snake. naked. pieces of music was throwing out from the room. C minor, D major... cord, plugging... do, do dooooooo

my crystal, help if you really can. simply tell me whom shall i pay my knee. to cut my need.
shine. sparkle. bizarrely flashed.

my being is haunted... the meaning of recency is far away from me. the body is just a body...
yellow color fluid, pissing jelly.


i see no hope. but cough. life is so dark.

總以為自己是沒有記憶的
至少 我不是選擇性的失去 我真的忘記

昨天 在公司用了一整天的時間都想不起過個blog的地址 而我很想很想在昨天寫一些什麼什麼
無謂 沒有功能 瑣碎 沒人看 沒結構 有自己出現的文字
當寫作變成工作
用文字我不見得比數字來工作好 也不比用體力工作強

文字就是文字 我比我的話語有 修飾
你如何看我的文字都想不起我真人的笑聲和天真和不世故和白痴 而那才是和人碰面時的11
不是A不是B那是Z 都不太大分別

說回記憶 我寫下 是因為我知我快記不起要對抗的心
如果我只說好的東西 我為什麼要寫
我又不是 ...
或我又不是...
卻不知道


我為何忘記 自己的
這個無謂的自己又可以維持一些什麼的東西
就說的東一句西一句 都不知為了什麼


寫沒用的文字 寫有用的文字 都寫
寫你 甚至寫愛情
愛你 卻不是最大的原因要寫 要寫是因為要告訴你我愛你你卻以為我愛上別人而且永遠以為我寫密碼。不對。我。快...真的... 都快不行了。
那 記憶 是不是愛是不是死亡是不是是不是是不是 我末盡力 你才一走了知

如今天的公公婆婆在七月十四說 我想要安樂死 不過我們快樂
那種簡單是81歲的 是68歲的 不是20歲說的過一天得一天
死 不過是說記憶
身邊沒個人 就寂寞點 要不就是我先死 你記我 你記好也記我墮落的壞


尤其是 我愛你 我卻仍然想忘掉一些不好的事 或記不起你的好 或
我連我的地址有一天也說不出來 我 不知道 我是否在乎你的肯定
但我知道你可能也為我作了很多的詩 或做了很多的錄像... 或把我的書都買了

支持我 不知我還可否以文字反抗
若我迷失了 信服了 告訴我我不是失憶
即使是我選擇的

a story about her is boring. no one wants to read, she left her trace in xanga.

how she hide the self in the space. the addiction she has given herself is just like a stupid sign, search for anything related to his name. in any circumtance, ablum, facebook, website.

unlike others, he claimed he is too busy to do anything with her. which means no spare time to share with you. thus this pity girl pretended to be very busy too.

dare to tell, dare to lie. dare to cut.

friends sometimes find her to chit chat, she never refused. but she only wants him. this is like a S&M relationship. bloodily clear.


desire of his name overwhelming desire of sex. she demands a battle. he never wish to start one though.

the most boring part is there ain't anything related to love. even at the very first moment.

no one can help. except herself. she stopped reading, drinking or writing. forgot how long she hasn't get drunk. forgot how long he kept refusing her date. this is a marathon, whenever she gave up he will win. fair and simple.







she remembers the election in the council, not 50/50. boring films and intimate touch. japanese dinner and manga. equal amount of input. no return. however.


everything's out of control. ended with the fading colors. boring band.
non-communicative. checking emails, replying nothing. she is wasting her precious time.


a sign no longer able to burn her life. finally she... is still boring.


*** *** ***
我靜靜的在這兒寫因為都沒人會看
我寫字開始很 怎說呢

說是不想給你看
因為總有太多詮釋


近來見了很多藝術家 談了很多所謂藝術
很廣義說的藝術 好像對我真的很沒意思
因為什麼也成為了藝術 真的很沒勁
專業或技巧都成為concept下的陪襯

很包裝

文化節目亦不過是有錢人的閒玩意
high同low之間 你見得到

真的 很討厭