他說:要不要?就300元，可以嗎?

45分鐘嗎?房租誰付?

他說:有一次就是15歲的女孩給的。哦，在內地若房租便宜的，也多是女孩子給的。
唔,你說的是那種關係?

你不是說300元那種嗎?

他高傲的笑笑，我沒1000元不接。不過是雙鐘計。
你有男朋友沒?
我為什麼要告訴你，你不過付我就300元。在香港你那可能找上有我這種質素的。

他說，你就是愛充。現在你還不是乘乘的服侍我。
噢，你要不找多一個人?
男的女的?
他說:當然是男的。就我從前的男朋友，不，只睡那種。他不覺得他是愛我的。我們只做。



你傻的啊!
我不是說笑，他看起來挺迷人，是韓國人。單眼皮。
他不相信，那怎樣可能?真的嗎?不過三人行還真是普遍，房東都不理會了。


沒傷人，沒叫罵，就當是好事發生了。
這兒還真的便宜，他來的時候第一眼看上了我。一個月全包了。
包什麼?


你怎會不知道。


300元嗎?我要你吧。
反而他都不愛我，和我不停造造造一個月後。
我問你，你愛男人?你不是結婚了嗎?不信那個主了嗎?



哈，你明知故問。
傻瓜。



記性工作者2 《我不賣身 我賣子宮》後

我特別掛念你的髮
長長的 軟軟的
帶一種營養不良 被陽光曝曬的啡


當我擁你入懷
你細小的肩總是硬硬
我把發熱的手掌 由你小腹 慢慢掃
直到你願意讓我分擔那全世界的累

他人對你傷害
或不認識你



我想 你可以在我這兒放下

在身邊的你 有時會變得很熱
像我一樣
有時又手腳冰冷
但 那個不是你的身體嗎



手指 游走在髮絲
把它們打個結

微微風波 渺渺水花
打在誰的指尖

叫一字一字
和一聲一聲

輕輕眼波 浪浪心花
比對從今
回溫過去


黑色的種子 請息在白色的土地
我和你啍
那美麗的安魂曲


請為些什麼 作些什麼的移山換海
有日
你終在汪洋 看到新生的世界



*** *** ***
寫於奧巴馬當選後

EX-

i could not even express my sadness. not a man being thrown onto this world. but the being of himself is totally excluded by others. whatever he works, whenever he smiles. there's no one cares.


i was not much unhappier than him. but what else should i be? indifference too.
i feel him totally. i was surprisingly feeling very similar to his being. and, without noticing what's wrong with me. shall i pity myself not being so damn busy and to complain every thing in the world. as long as i life, SHOULD i ever complain to anyone of my boring life? who needs my notorious lies?


until, i accidentially killed someone.
until, i m in a jail.
until, i m going to escape from the sunny skies.
eye sees through the gate... miles away the ice was melting...
not until the day i've been killed. not until then i m given back my freedom. no longer bond by words. no longer bond by the moral judgement. no longer bond by the preculiar trauma i had gone through. how delightful will be that dreaming day arrived. for how long i hv been waiting for that day, when my day comes. i m suffering. i m fucking suffering by my innocent tone of voice. i really hate my voice. i really do not matter who is finally around me when my big day is come.


for my own sake i might have to be silent. and there's nothing worth to tell, in spite of the dizzy feeling within me. it keeps me from thinking the universe properly. i lost my sense of doing thing correctly. i act like a robot.


i act like a robot, i need my reboot. i can react if you need my reflect actions in your presumed way of thinking. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ........ we don't need to entertain each other. at the end things just happened. what really made the difference at the end, i wonder. who stupidly told you he would change the world. is HE God? does GOD also make a robot like me? a distorted humanity, a bodily whore. if i ever lie to you, because i know my day has come and i really dont want to bother you anymore.

i excluded myself. i could not put myself back to the machinery. if you care, this is my very honest feeling. if you really care. i m asking for sickness. the thing which made ppl concern and care more about you, but your body actually.


wheres the exclusion from? i m tired of it.




the negative energy drives me now. no no not negative. the very intuitive driver in my brain. i cannot control the monster and stop typing. because me is no longer me. i type, therefore i see myself here. if i would not, i will lose my trace of thinking. this is prehaps in a big mess, like a deep well full of undistinguishable liquid of wisdom and hatred. the best and maybe the worst thing in the history. i see myself jumping in and out the liquid, but not getting wet miraclulously. i closed my eyes, feel the cold splash onto my face and bare body. some of my sense informed me i am still alive. despite mentally i feel i am not.


what a dream. not, i flied again. i SHALL be here. not there and then i shall be here again.

我們又如何能 輕言愛
愛情從來就是一廂情願的
當其慢慢擴大把我吸入其中 我不過是黑洞中的小粒子

就那麼樣 慢慢地 把自己放棄
慢慢地享受被磨拆的血肉 再慢慢 慢慢地向身邊的人 投訴
將明明理應在想像世界的幻影 投映出來
還豪不害羞給身旁的人手舞足蹈說說這 又說說那


要是有一匹血紅色的絲綢 單戀的人 就立即躺在上
豪不廉耻說 這是我為你流的血
明明 是那麼的美麗
就是明明是亮麗絞好的月夜 還是可以把它和人狼連上最惡作劇般的惡耗


對此 愛在人世間到底是不是就不過比恨只稍稍高級
而且 恨還有叫人熱血的力量呢
恨何時像黑洞無聲無息

記一個人 還是恨他
總比愛情的溫吞來得實際
若要愛呢 請也把他恨起來

是買一送一的高價單位呢

打開報紙 看到了吧

i tell you i never lie to you, it's a lie. but that's my intention.

just like how i open my legs for you. but that still not the most honest part of my body. until i feel your penis. for a certain moment i hv lost my mind nowhere.
i never cry in front of you. but i always cry for you. for your dignity. for you deny that you love me. or you need me. need my flesh. why denying love at first sight? is that because of we all afraid of how people here and now constructing love. full of committment and pain.

i wasnt even lie to you when my blood come over your penis. that was the third day of my period and i really need you. for the first time i feel very depressed few days after that. because i knew that it isnt fertilized. i nearly want to kill myself but i remember i hv promised whom i would not. oh, maybe that's you. the uncontrollable depression. i thought i always trying hard to be naked in front of you. but you never see clearly what's in my eyes. what i really looking for in my mind. do you really love me at all? what is love afterall? love isnt that appetite of sex? who cares the fucking love inside the pussy. or in my throat? did you kill her? what she trying to kill herself? but, why me? if both of us are suffering, why should i bull shit here? men is the busiest speice in the universe, they fight for the death and never return home. what they really deserved is loneliness, perhaps, the loneliness of their path. and women? being keep in a cage like me? with a block over my wall?


well. even thought there is no sex. we still have love, aint we? but the end of it, is coming soon. pain happens when we started to weight our give and take. and it is why every relationship is failed and spoiled. even, i really open myself for you. however i never learn good enough to play this game. i m always the loser. no love, no sex, no words, no no no no no. the only choice i left is to lie.

我好燃憎再被人叫你唔好咁灰。


世界係有希望，不過唔係我既希望。
揪來揪去，你咁諗關我乜事。

就係因為我咁灰，我一直都未死得。
多謝你多年來的不了解。


要我說世界幾好，中國幾強，你幾型。你才以為我無事。
咁，我唔會好返，亦唔想好返。



我病，可能係第一個忟死既人。如果我忟死，亦不過係一種死法。
你大可不必為我操心。
我天生是一個好燃煩既人。由細到大都問點解。

可能睇得多百科全書掛。唔係wiki, 係百科全書。
唔識考試唔識背書。只係要明。


我諗，我問少兩句講少兩句。你會覺得我平易近人。

如果你想。


我一定不是你想要既人，因為我無乜希望。或恆心或夢想。
而唔覺咁有乜問題。

life is always full of surprises. to clarify i am not unhappy i might hv to announce some of the lovely thing after my month in the new journey.

due to some "lousy" reason, i m always awakened during past weeks. not because of my changing life style (i delay my whole cycle 2 hours everyday since i started my new job), i m not sure if there is pressure but the fact is i hv lost 5 lbs. that's incredible, coz this is my lightest weight so far in the past 10 years.

think of it, u sweating under bring sunlight almost everyday. could not sleep due to serious sickness, and no more breadfast or even dinner. 5lbs seems reasonable, but out of my expectation.

and suddently you've got a chance to austrila, tho only stay for one fucking day (29 hours to be precise). and my book shelf due to that lousy reason is totally being "ruminated" by my mum. my "cultural study series" lost their privileged position, everything's losing their order (not to tell even inverted). the inner shelf finally hving their sun bath again, most of them are novels.

then my lovely coetzee's "slow man" , which bought 2 years ago finally have a chance to come out. with his "youth" too. i decided to bring this book with me.

so far it is still ok. if i temporarily forget the interview after the trip.

*** *** ***

today i had an interview with my beloved illustrator Yoshitaka Amano san, yes i recommended him to my editor coz i really like his sketch and the very dark mood.

he is inborn a character designer and artist, shy and living in his own little world even he is so famous around the globe. father of otaku, in his secret room.

i m so addicted to his vampire hunter D drawings and all of his pencil sketches. really have some sentiments like gustav klimt.

the most lovely thing must be, his hand sketch of vampire hunter D in my notebook. such a intimate and direct touch of his heart. thanks Amano-san.

in this situation, i will strongly advise you to get rest, immediately!

sick.cough.itchy.bleeding.tired. seems everything unfortunate evaporating into your pore

dust.dirt.insert.

snake. naked. pieces of music was throwing out from the room. C minor, D major... cord, plugging... do, do dooooooo

my crystal, help if you really can. simply tell me whom shall i pay my knee. to cut my need.
shine. sparkle. bizarrely flashed.

my being is haunted... the meaning of recency is far away from me. the body is just a body...
yellow color fluid, pissing jelly.


i see no hope. but cough. life is so dark.

總以為自己是沒有記憶的
至少 我不是選擇性的失去 我真的忘記

昨天 在公司用了一整天的時間都想不起過個blog的地址 而我很想很想在昨天寫一些什麼什麼
無謂 沒有功能 瑣碎 沒人看 沒結構 有自己出現的文字
當寫作變成工作
用文字我不見得比數字來工作好 也不比用體力工作強

文字就是文字 我比我的話語有 修飾
你如何看我的文字都想不起我真人的笑聲和天真和不世故和白痴 而那才是和人碰面時的11
不是A不是B那是Z 都不太大分別

說回記憶 我寫下 是因為我知我快記不起要對抗的心
如果我只說好的東西 我為什麼要寫
我又不是 ...
或我又不是...
卻不知道


我為何忘記 自己的
這個無謂的自己又可以維持一些什麼的東西
就說的東一句西一句 都不知為了什麼


寫沒用的文字 寫有用的文字 都寫
寫你 甚至寫愛情
愛你 卻不是最大的原因要寫 要寫是因為要告訴你我愛你你卻以為我愛上別人而且永遠以為我寫密碼。不對。我。快...真的... 都快不行了。
那 記憶 是不是愛是不是死亡是不是是不是是不是 我末盡力 你才一走了知

如今天的公公婆婆在七月十四說 我想要安樂死 不過我們快樂
那種簡單是81歲的 是68歲的 不是20歲說的過一天得一天
死 不過是說記憶
身邊沒個人 就寂寞點 要不就是我先死 你記我 你記好也記我墮落的壞


尤其是 我愛你 我卻仍然想忘掉一些不好的事 或記不起你的好 或
我連我的地址有一天也說不出來 我 不知道 我是否在乎你的肯定
但我知道你可能也為我作了很多的詩 或做了很多的錄像... 或把我的書都買了

支持我 不知我還可否以文字反抗
若我迷失了 信服了 告訴我我不是失憶
即使是我選擇的

a story about her is boring. no one wants to read, she left her trace in xanga.

how she hide the self in the space. the addiction she has given herself is just like a stupid sign, search for anything related to his name. in any circumtance, ablum, facebook, website.

unlike others, he claimed he is too busy to do anything with her. which means no spare time to share with you. thus this pity girl pretended to be very busy too.

dare to tell, dare to lie. dare to cut.

friends sometimes find her to chit chat, she never refused. but she only wants him. this is like a S&M relationship. bloodily clear.


desire of his name overwhelming desire of sex. she demands a battle. he never wish to start one though.

the most boring part is there ain't anything related to love. even at the very first moment.

no one can help. except herself. she stopped reading, drinking or writing. forgot how long she hasn't get drunk. forgot how long he kept refusing her date. this is a marathon, whenever she gave up he will win. fair and simple.







she remembers the election in the council, not 50/50. boring films and intimate touch. japanese dinner and manga. equal amount of input. no return. however.


everything's out of control. ended with the fading colors. boring band.
non-communicative. checking emails, replying nothing. she is wasting her precious time.


a sign no longer able to burn her life. finally she... is still boring.


*** *** ***
我靜靜的在這兒寫因為都沒人會看
我寫字開始很 怎說呢

說是不想給你看
因為總有太多詮釋


近來見了很多藝術家 談了很多所謂藝術
很廣義說的藝術 好像對我真的很沒意思
因為什麼也成為了藝術 真的很沒勁
專業或技巧都成為concept下的陪襯

很包裝

文化節目亦不過是有錢人的閒玩意
high同low之間 你見得到

真的 很討厭

night before new journey

raining in acid, decaying the soil. my horse was having a cold. harder and harder she reaches her trophy.

the woodland, the axe, voilence of reality.
she is her queen. she is her king.

in the morning, first dew is dipping. how often, she sighs.
illusion of the sunlight, particularly on the face of the youth.
watch out!

it plunged. soil embracing your weightless body.
the sky turn brown, like the silky touch of honey.
nutrition of the nature. fire. burnt.
pain. suffering.


thristy. drinking. drop by drop.
crawling. flying. running.
the test tube on the ground.


screaming for nothing, scaring for nothing.
sometimes just the light is dimming. her knees is tiring.
keep the pace!
don't lose the steps!


push yourself, to the limits.
pull. pull. pull. and think.

to earth

the organic life.
the moaning of the earth crashed the mourning of the earth.

down, and the dawn.
there were monster and an abyssal plain. sea. and land.
walking deep into your nail, down to your rail.


fragmented. disconnected.
loosen.


Tiny bud, suffered enough.
and now being blocked.
Tiny seed, suffered enough.
and then being locked.


light the gas which burn the mess.
evaporated. melted.
flaten.



losing and badly fighting with the law of universe.
chance lies beyond the his-tories.

蝶.4.24

聽　你拍翼　

輕輕　輕輕　誰看到了我們的時間

在靜默的時候　我們　

在無聲的地方　我們

我吞噬　而　你　流出了我身體

雨水　柏木　你的髮

香味　隨風　如蝶的影

濕漉漉的　吻了又白又紫的鱗　

要是那人剪了你的翼　

我也會痛

然後　

沒有了　

毛髮卻依舊　

鱗上依然有你的眼　那天

彷彿　強暴地　灰暗　日復日　

怎的結

怎的距離　

*** *** ***

記最後一節課

成了灰白的　兩室之間的橋

2008.4.24

(原來是我的生日)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


《家和咖啡廳》

這裡三年多也絕少提及食這個環節
非認為不重要
自問嘴叼 可是也覺得有東西吃 如果可以和家人朋友吃 已經很好


經過幾年的工作 差不多都在外頭吃早午晚飯
吃多了 真受不了 是苦差 是味精
錢賺得不多 但我從不說:"今個月無錢,食平d。"
因為很多時食物環境服務是和價錢成絕對正比
平、靚、正很多時候是碰運氣 或是老闆的良心
香港人 要生活好 要錢 因為心靈上沒有什麼內涵
除了物質 好像可以擁有，實在的擁有什麼。
所以，香港食店的良心比較難求。
你要証明大可走到附近中西食堂問一問　"老火中湯"有沒有味精或這些檸檬放了多久怎麼都沒有了香味。
因為香港是不適合不符合經濟原則的事物生長的土地,想這是不爭的事實。
原來我不適合住在香港可這是我的家。


所以很喜歡日本的食店良心。
未必是世界上最好吃的菜式, 但一定是對本土食品文化保留求比例最高的國家。
你在那裡,食品是用經驗和歷史烹調出來的。
你吃的是吃別人小心謹慎保存的文化氣息。
而且不只是訪客們,連本土人也是面帶驚嘆,趨之若鶩的品嚐著那份矜持。
像懷石料理,根本是一種藝術。
這份良心和對食物的尊重,使吃的人也附上了一身尊嚴高貴。
而且該吃的才吃,不時不吃。多麼的莊子,多麼的養生。
不然又像我們吃了個病毒出來。


這遍文章是悼念附近結業的Dawn Cafe。
一早料到這Cafe撐不了多久,雖然也差不多兩年了。
這是整個佐敦區唯一一間價廉物美的咖啡廳。
我也算是熟客吧。
每個星期也會吃上一至兩次,當我兩三個星期沒吃時, 竟然就是它結業的日子。
這裡有回憶因為有陽光。你可以看到西九龍的日落(*註)。
有異常冷酷的老闆及侍應,大既是想不通為什麼自己的東西明明白白比同一層的Uncle 4及茶餐廳好吃一百倍及便宜(是的,我可以證實),還是異常冷清。
有心。還是無力。
大多數時間星期六下午只有我這一枱吃一個$32元加一的下午茶。
怪只怪你的門面有三層的英式下午茶陳列出來,嚇怕了大部份街坊。
所以,再好也只有賠本結業。我是因此失落了好一陣子。
在佐敦根本不可能再找到同級及同類的餐廳,沒味精的便不可求。
它位居港景峰地下向廣東道方向,酒店的食物環境質數卻是特便宜價錢。
喜歡玻璃設計,通透又省電,可以看到日落。
可是都沒有了, 沒有了用不同茶葉沖調卻加Cream milk的奶茶了。不是港式(茶葉加花奶),卻也不是英式的(茶包加鮮奶)。



*(如果要說出一件事，影響浸透著我的日常生活，便是用文化去包裝宣傳的西九龍地段。我居住在廣東道及柯士甸道交界，二十多年來見證了西九龍的發展。說是見證，不如簡單的說是每天見到越來越不及岸的維多利亞海港。廣東道是地靈人傑的好地方，在二十年前差不多已是政府在九龍區的專地。近油麻地地段有渡海小輪碼頭，對出是一目了然的巴士總站，人潮上上落落總絡繹不絕，有一種近乎樸拙的美態；現在那裡是九龍地鐡站對出屋苑一片提供高爾夫球揮杆練習的人造大草皮。從前只兩三層樓高充滿著自由及空間感的警察宿舍，也轉眼化為號稱坐擁九龍公園（發展商好像忙中有錯，九龍公園是香港大眾的公共空間）的貴價私人屋苑附設錯綜複雜的地下隧道。暫時不變的是一間消防局，一座政府合署，一所私立中學及我曾經入讀的官立小學。回憶是朦朧的美，總勝過巨人們把具體的建議書佇立在我們的土地上。)

*** *** ***
想起不少人說香港找不到像樣有個性的cafe, 此話當真。尤其在九龍區。
大學時代因為可以選平日閒時(機本上即何時何地)吃東西聊天,所以很多本來很煩擾的餐廳也乖巧地安靜下來讓你享受生活應有的閒情逸緻。

可是,當你工作時,便只有星期天和別人迫不及待的吃你覺得物非所值的午餐晚餐。
我不認為這是生活,我付二百元吃Cova下午茶也不想用五十元吃垃圾晚餐。
不是什麼,只是認為誠意值錢。
因為那個環境加新鮮的炸魚塊值得。
我不知道多少人明白這個看似富貴的道理。
很多人,比我有錢可是卻不知道什麼是生活。他們要求新快平特。
我要求的是對食物的尊重及作為食店的良心。
所以可以付出。
正如仍然有人仍然重視音樂電影文化一樣。
窮也要吃得好,好的不能再好。
窮也要支持。反正香港好的東西不多了,你可以支持的也不多。
我知道我這樣寫令人誤會我很中產。
雖然實說我的生活就是很中產(收入並不是!)。
但希望不只是香港的中產。那些作狀的十分虛偽而且虛無。




找一個落腳點差不多比找一個朋友困難。再差的地方也不會如此吧。
而大部份朋友又真的覺得無甚所謂。

只要便宜。或好吃。或不過不失。
反正除了是非愛情事業家庭之外,再沒什麼話題。
而恰巧這些話題的本性像不需要特別的環境,像大部份人本身的生活不離吃喝玩樂賺錢上位一樣平淡。
所以,好的餐廳沒有了優性之處。

因為我們大部份需要的不是個性,而是沒有個性的融入這個社會。


我只不過想要一間像樣的咖啡廳在我家附近。

而且有機會和別人聊聊文化上的話題,見識見識交流交流。

可是兩年以來差不多沒有成功過。










*** *** ***
以上是兩年前的我。




兩年了我覺得要為自己寫些什麼。
三年前,不,更多年前因為附近的西九我入了中大讀文化研究。



可是除了得到了知識,原來仍然不關心社會。
兩年之後,也沒有改變什麼的力量。

我知我必不能成為我理想中的人,而我卻不能滿足於現況。

我討厭很多東西,和幾年前的我沒太大分別。
可是我以為兩年後有機會轉變的,仍在這裡。就那麼在那裡,看我。

花幾萬元,我又不教通識。
又不會再讀書。
我真的不知道為了什麼?


下個星期六是最後一堂,我往後會如何?

繼續工作?
繼續玩樂?
繼續旅行?
繼續飲食?


我連一個可以期待有所轉變的動力也快消失了。
我想我可以對自己說的是,你正在生活,僅僅如此。


對我最困難的是,我常常覺得自己可以改變什麼。
但原來我在原地踏步。


當然我很享受明白一些事物的過程,亦愛我在兩年內遇上過的有趣人物。
不同的東西永遠是我所追求的,安定實在太沒勁。
就是什麼也愛,於是一無所成。

其實,我都沒太大所謂。


*** *** ***

我一直想把以下這段文字送給你們











可能 你會明白
可能 你會知道了為什麼有最佳損友
可能 你終於明白為什麼你不愛你的親人 或他們也不愛你 看不起你



”我的眼淚再也控制不住,猛地伏在李萬春的肩上哭泣。天地間,最薄的是心,最厚的也是心。
李萬春被我的舉止,搞的不知所措。李硯秀一旁勸慰道:「別難過,戲班的人都是萍水相逢,講的就是互不嫌棄。」

「互不嫌棄」這四個字，我記了一輩子。誰得做到互不嫌棄呢?恰恰不是你的骨肉、至親或最愛,而是那些萍水相逢的人。”


章怡和《一陣風，留下了千古絕唱》(2005:64-65)




*** *** ***

小記：　

(我想我是比較適合嶺南或港大的,我覺得中大是不三不四,又不在地又不學術。)

為了錢, 中大收了大量undergrad level也沒有post-graduates.
有一次有位同學(他是中學老師) 問一份十頁的功課的font size同spacing,我想我不應該或他不應該在這裡,一定是有什麼出錯了。



朱大成老師回答:你可以用28或揮春咁大隻字。

我十分佩服他的氣量和幽默。
我常常想,如果他是我父,我必欣喜。

*** *** ***




這大略是我兩年的一個回顧。

The Outsider - directed by Bela Tarr

1980 　匈牙利 / 彩色 / 126 分鐘 / 35mm

延續紀實戲劇的拍法，但聚焦於人物性格刻劃。綽號貝多芬的主角不可能像貝多芬那些偉大音樂家般終生獨身，他和一個女人有了孩子，卻跟另一個女人結了婚。他去當護士，雖然病人愛他的音樂和溫柔，卻因醉酒砸了飯碗。他空有音樂才華，卻頂多在酒廊做 DJ ，後來為了生計不得不當工廠工人。他周遭一切，也一般飄移不定。失散半輩子的哥哥突然跑來相認（後來還偷了他的老婆），圍繞身邊的不是癮君子，便是醉畫家和淪落為工人的教授。個人無根的狀態中，切切實實感觸到社會的分崩離析。

塔爾寫實風格最頑強之作，演員之間的戲彷彿從活生生的現實中跑出來，工業化的步伐踩  小鎮的血肉之軀來勢洶洶，導演的憤慨亦噴薄而出。特寫的對話成為推展故事的結構，最精采一段是貝多芬與妻子在酒吧台上台下爭論，激盪的是音樂，也是情緒，二者融合的張力襲人而來。塔爾的音樂向來與畫面分不開，一直構成他的電影世界不可或缺的豐富元素。
“塔爾的電影都是由具體確實的事件建構而成，《異鄉人》對所謂「流行」、「青春」或「曝光率」完全不屑一顧。事件的安排又以我們存在的經驗和感覺為依歸。他的風格和思想，各方面都是自明和自然不過的，與那些追求時髦東張西望的大異其趣。”
－ Vince Zalán ， Filmvilág （ 1982 年 2 月號）

*** *** ***



If I must say something about this film, I would say who dun want to live artistically or without any worry about the family or friends from the day he or she was first born to this cruel world without any shade from the lord.

Worry is not only the worry itself, it links to the hesitation to the fear of seeing anything to be done very probably. Searching for a route to the social norms or ITS cultures, which teaches the most innocent people to aware of the hopelessness of the life. Hell is the most safe place for the wrecked man to stay, even for a while (they will not need to searching for the Goods anymore, nor the justice). A place to rest: not quite equals to a place owned by you. What IF I get married, will things be changed in any way? To have a home, to unload those packs from your anger back.

The weakest part of a relationship should be the cracks invading by the disgrateful pasts. None of us really focus on the future nor the present even we always teaching each other about this damn shit. Who can certainly answer, I live in PRESENT? The pasts rooted into our brain, without planting it, it still bleeds in an uncontrollable way and bites the nerves of our sensitive mind, until one day you got mad (eventually).

He or she suspected if only love will bond us eternaly, why should we still be aparted under our skins. Only bloody cold lasts forever, without warning us to bring our umbrella to unmask this continuous Autumn rain.

One day in October, 31 days after. We became all blinded. Future is darkness on the wet floor: blur and dirtily grided. If circle is representing harmony, we only see blues in our skies in a (honestly) different prospect.

A metaphysical poetry might well explain why human nature is never gonna be happy or satisfied, because he or she is unhappy too.

03.10.2005


*** *** ***

until now i still have no time to type something more on bela tarr or the32nd HKIFF.

i m not lazy but i just found that things and feelings easily fade away and you really have to grab them in the first moment.

i m no longer enthusiastic in cinema, i thought. even though i might not.

無題

2005年4月23日

十一點多, 是十二時吧也許,我沒有看錶。

明明期望今天天氣好,好得讓我有一絲慾念到外走走,是一個月前要去的了吧。我從不可以讓自己感情通透一點,人們,他的和她的,想法對我好起來可能是沒有所謂。她還不過是一個身外人,沒甚麼所謂。

在車廂中,碰巧見到一個群體中的一員,大家也沒有所謂吧。她知道, 人大了,心裡可能想要對別人客氣些,去掩蓋對世界殘酷的不留情。她想到書上寫著:世界是遺忘。不是的話,世界就變了一個圖書館,當然是沒有人再去找尋感覺和真相的地方。如果有人對她不好,忘掉可以的話不要記了。

比方說坐在別人的車子上,當人人知道藍色車門外有一塊手掌大小的反光貼紙, 也包括車主, 你不知道也無可厚非,雖然有些東西我還是知道好。目標明確。

到了一個地方,如果沒有辦法往後看,因為一切就會煙消雲散。煙霧迷漫中看不清任何人,包括家人朋伴,多一個少一個也不過是一枝火柴,不多不少。黑暗疲乏中微小的帶領,她還是要自己一個走上那條並不平坦,用了很多別人的血開出的道路。多殺幾個吧!幹!我的道路要和她們一樣:安康和舒服。她殺了。

有自己的血在身上,也有別人的血,越愛便殺越多。在車上,她有好幾次輕易睡著了,而她從前不可能睡著的,那怕是淺眠。如果有甚麼正在侵蝕我,我隨它吧,忽然消失了我,也沒有誰想到可能有甚麼損失。我一覺醒過來,但願世界還是一片白:沒有天堂。

她笑了,晚上總令人想到不快。

The Melancholy Face

The beauty of her innocent - none of her grim.
Of a child, greedy to learn the world
Whose tenderness soften the blood of calm.

Remember those faces! they
climb up the highest mountain top and enjoy the touch by the sun.
Fighter of their own life, kissing the skin of the bare-bones.
I have seen her existence and thus sang.


How a feminity dance in the skies?
She cries.
The chin is being pushed by the weight of the mist, wavers
between - her and choices.


Celebration of the melancholy, art related subject that it is.
The haunted city was the creator of this emptiness.
Voilence yet infamed.








Insprited by Charles Baudelaire

*** *** ***

This is a poem from my mind after today's staring at a femlae body. This is an extraordinary homosexual experience - you see yourself. The touches were warm.

I hope you like my words. For those young and dripping hearts, this is how I go throught the darkness and survive. No matter how weak our link is, there is still moment we might catch up with each other in an unexpected situation.

how much i love you to make you love me.

how much talent i should have to make myself feel better?
how...
i wish i know more about everything. but there ain't subject called "everything".
thus i better live, without much expectation.



there is always distance.
no matter how. no matter how.


see your photos. her words.

what is typical, what is art?
there is no love.



i always find it is difficult.
you feel hard time in your life.


this might be the last time i feel pressure from my work.
what am i doing here?


i fuck up.

the castle
your finger sliding into mine, full of liquid.
i feel like pissing

a skim of love

how intimate... how seductive...
it is ultimately sultry

please treat me like your toy, put the cream onto my nipple.
lick it, lick it from my ear lobe to my neck.

let me teach you how to use your tougue tenderly
in my castle. which is built of sand.

princess.. oh dear
your love is price-less


i will wrap you like a baby. thy eye.
your gentle fondle
shown your caress...

i then know it's like making love.
you hug me


we sleep, i shout. i want it simple too.
i embrace your sperm.

如果說電影節是我的某些生存信仰,也不為過。
復活節等於電影節。



用楊德晶的《一一》開始了今年的電影節,是多麼的漂亮。
我們都覺得《一一》在生命不同的時候看,你所感不同。我今次看到的是生存。
上次看到是死亡。
一次一次
a one and a two and a three and a four
這片子作結束,他生命也少了遺憾。
只是,《一一》在台灣並沒有上映。

NJ其實很楊德晶,好像把他年代的一些什麼,都看透了。
又還是... 像
我說等待果佗吧。

都很悲涼。


洋洋問父親：「我們是不是只能知道一半的事情？我只能看到前面，看不到後面，這樣不是就有一半的事情看不到了嗎？」

我想像洋洋,對生命有一種未知。可是卻只不過是婷婷。自私又愚昧。
可是更像敏敏, 生命都過了一半。還是不能悟出什麼。
工作,不工作。每天都一樣子,是否白活了。

所以我拍照。用菲林片,因為你可以有所期待。以時間,去換取未知。
結果如何,不要緊。按下快門小心翼翼的瞬間,就感覺生命。


這是我學習洋洋的。


當然《一一》並不是我最喜歡的電影。但我也說不出何謂最愛。

shall we?

the river bother me. it splits our connection.

i hate them, flow of cliche. their dialogue, their body movement.
i think i really hate them.

by going into the supemarket next to the gas station, i chose to pick up my weapon.
by chance i have met such a boy.
by chance i am losing him like my days.


you stole my lipstick
put it into my vagina
they melt

to stimulate your desire


who kills the love? are they like a ratty sock?

the mice, on the ice.
cutting the vein


and cutting and cutting and flooding

你根本理得我去死。
我不過一文不值。


真的很討厭
討厭你
我要討厭你
討厭討厭

the death of sunlight/cell

capture the light, your cell of loneliness gone.
the shadow the shadow and the shadow

the body of lust

sun, sun shine, and your hidden lust

drift along my shape, walk across the mystery. you've found me. lying on your arms.

i love you.

i love you.

i really dun mind

even you treat me badly.

bcoz i simply love your smell and body.

you represent the sunlight.

abortion
who controls the final decision
me

she is/was, killing herself and their love.
she hates herself. she hates love.
my temperature finally drops. the good_____________________________________________________________________________________-bad sign?



the 10 days, the journey is very uneasy for me
this is the full moon, and what was she waiting for?

eight(perhaps nine?) years ago, she lost part of her kinship. she went to the hospital alone.


that was the 11th, March, 1999. she can't even remember the year.
rest in peace, rest in my place. worm. womb.



they both, being abandoned by this earth. washing from the soil.
where are you going?
smell the dew, smell those
ash


the sour, made her hard to breathe
she lacks of a shoulder for her to wail.
she is lack of something about life. she learnt death. she thought she learn...

and this is so incomplete.

for a very long period of time, i think i m tough. she still exists.

does anyone tell me, what have i longing for?
where does my sense of loss coming from?
i shall, or should i, be a stronger breed?


the myth of kinship, who has cut that without my permission?
whom blood submerged my body, whom they were.


excess loss of blood, and my pale body.
light weighted, shimmery color
she
touches
the mute soul



who wants me.
who, does want someone like me?








why, your temperature drops... just 0.7 degree.
the nature/constructed female body.


give it a life.




March 9th-10th, 2008

堅持

如果有選擇,我用筆,或菲林片。
我有的,是對手工藝品的堅持。

你或許沒有試過,墨水筆的流暢。但還是應該有對生命的堅持。

當然Mont Blanc現在已被Richemont收購,但有些堅持他們不放棄。
而Leica的業務亦差不多被蔡司加Sony, 或Canon所取代。
但它們都有其歷史,有其堅持。


當你知道當德國的Leica廠一天只能生產一片鏡頭,你便明白他們對光學的堅持。
他們視相機為手工藝品。更不用說他們以前用人手打磨的年代。
我最喜歡Leica都沒有膠, 有的都是金屬或玻璃。是工業革命前的產品。


我捨得用很貴很貴的,買別人的一點堅持。
所以有一天你看到我用Chanel 2.55, 不要說我貪慕虛榮。人家的袋子,是手工藝,也代表了一個時代的結束。
或如果我開始玩mechanic表,你知道我的價值何在。


而我從很小很小的時候,便愛上了那個小紅點。就當是我的執迷吧。
我需要執迷不悟。物慾,於我不是被物化的,它們自有其獨特而透徹的生命。


追索物的源頭帶我進入了一個我/你的歷史。他於五十年前經歷了如何的多才走到我身邊?
當然有些時候一切都是因緣巧合,想也不能想太多。

gemini march horoscope by susan miller

If you do work in a creative field, you appear to be working on projects and ideas that are very new this month, bringing you down paths that have never been traveled before. Your role will be as innovator and pathfinder, and a big part of what you are doing involves putting your stamp of individuality on all that you do. No one could possibly slide into your job. It is apparently all you, from top to bottom. Uranus will see to that. It is also possible that it involves new technology, and if so, you're right on course.

*** *** ***

If you do break up, you'll be freeing yourself to move forward. If you decide to stay in your relationship, it will be because you have amassed plenty of evidence that you are completely adored for who you are - unconditional love feels great. Full moons like this do not create destined results - they simply present information clearly. The final decision will be completely in your hands, and most importantly, dear Gemini, chances are that you will make precisely the right decision. There has to be a great comfort in knowing that!

*** *** ***
it almost concludes my situation now.

前赤壁賦 蘇軾

壬戌之秋，七月既望，蘇子與客泛舟遊於赤壁之下。清風徐來，水波不興。舉酒屬客 ，誦明月之詩，歌窈窕之章。少焉，月出於東山之上，徘徊於斗牛之間。白露橫江， 水光接天。縱一葦之所如，凌萬頃之茫然。浩浩乎如馮虛御風，而不知其所止；飄飄 乎如遺世獨立，羽化而登仙。
於是飲酒樂甚，扣舷而歌之。歌曰︰「桂棹兮蘭槳，擊空明兮泝流光。渺渺兮於懷， 望美人兮天一方。」客有吹洞蕭者，倚歌而和之，其聲嗚嗚然，如怨如慕，如泣如訴 ；餘音裊裊，不絕如縷；舞幽壑之潛蛟，泣孤舟之嫠婦。


蘇子愀然，正襟危坐，而問客曰︰「何為其然也？」客曰︰「月明星稀，烏鵲南飛， 此非曹孟德之詩乎？西望夏口，東望武昌。山川相繆，鬱乎蒼蒼；此非孟德之困於周 郎者乎？方其破荊州，下江陵，順流而東也，舳艫千裡，旌旗蔽空，釃酒臨江，橫槊 賦詩；固一世之雄也，而今安在哉？況吾與子，漁樵於江渚之上，侶魚蝦而友糜鹿， 駕一葉之扁舟，舉匏樽以相屬；寄蜉蝣與天地，渺滄海之一粟。哀吾生之須臾，羨長 江之無窮；挾飛仙以遨遊，抱明月而長終；知不可乎驟得，托遺響於悲風。」


蘇子曰︰「客亦知夫水與月乎？逝者如斯，而未嘗往也；盈虛者如彼，而卒莫消長也 。蓋將自其變者而觀之，而天地曾不能一瞬；自其不變者而觀之，則物於我皆無盡也 。而又何羨乎？且夫天地之間，物各有主。苟非吾之所有，雖一毫而莫取。惟江上之 清風，與山間之明月，耳得之而為聲，目遇之而成色。取之無禁，用之不竭。是造物 者之無盡藏也，而吾與子之所共適。」


客喜而笑，洗盞更酌，肴核既盡，杯盤狼藉。相與枕藉乎舟中，不知東方之既白。


*** *** ****


我到好久好久以後才明白當中的意思。
經歷了那麼多,才明白更難。

我以何種方式忠於自己,被身體的或心靈的主宰?我不停在自言自語。

如我自己所說,我有很多很多的拍子薄。我不說,你可能以為我是瘋的。有那麼多的,無道理的多的拍子薄。最厲害的是,很多都是買了兩本。或三本。這是我的沉迷。

下課的時候,心情很重。哭了一次,在上課途中。哭了更多更多次,當由旺角東火車站走回家。我哭,是因為我何時可以重訪那生命的輕。生命的重把我肩都累壞了。

我於何時純如白紙,於何時進入其他人的生命。

那些白,如我的繪畫老師說,那些黑,永沒有純粹的。顏色,必如生命,反映著別人的光。

我懶惰的時候,就騙自己只有幾個色調。可是不。不過是我們太過自私。

或者太過保護自己,不說,你其實也有紅,他我看見了灰。

我經歷死亡, 而且忽然失去。我就明白我的身體於我最為重要,到最後所有我能夠反抗、或捍衛,都走不出我的身體。

於是我便很迷失。我在使用我的身體,但為了什麼?為了反抗什麼。

白紙是回憶

白紙是遺憾

白紙是日出

白紙是濫藥

白紙是

白紙,打開了什麼?

這年多我不停讀書,為的又是什麼?

我有那麼多的白紙,想了一晚還是沒法用筆寫下什麼,因為我沒有對日記的坦白。

我害怕,如果有那麼一天,你會看到真正的我是如此的無知,自私,任性。(當然你仍然會記起我的溫柔。)

所以我忠於自己,卻有時,感到無力再書寫。我以書寫為我生命的出口。

面對生命的選擇,到底是太多了,把我打敗。或是因為沒有出口所以我拒絕。

生命的重把我肩都累壞了。我如果笑,都不過是為了掩飾身體的不安。

我願以直覺,過我的生活。

我不過,想生活。

i m the shrinking smoke

visible only under the brightest sunlight, reflecting your face

you're with griefs. my pity

who has hurt your heart, once they have been hurted before

the myth of logos
the torture of life

where shall you lean yourself to?

五分鐘

我在你身上的五分鐘。花了,像愛情。
經血流到你身上,染了白色的床舖。水彩渲染。

到底源於母體的結合,或是情慾的?

那五分鐘我想的都是你。
黃金的光透入眼簾,我底下頭看你。

那五分鐘,才知道身體最需要的是你。
我在上,而頃刻間我生命走不出你。如此純粹的肉體接觸,令人懷疑真愛的存在(到底如何存在?以何種方式存在?)。

我真的可以忠於身體,不停的需要你的。



此時的我,面對正在進入的你,是溫柔。我將給你的是一世的溫暖。
何時何地我想的都是你。我坐下時,想你進入。我看見你在下面,仰望著我。
我既是女性又是母體,你從我而出從我而入。

第一分鐘,我的陰道靠近你的陽具。我渴求著你。
第二分鐘,你的最前端已抵住我的陰核。我摩擦著你。

第三分鐘,我說,回來吧。低聲呻吟著。
直至你真正進入。(如你沒進入過我,你如何了解我生命。)你的進入,我畢生不能忘卻。
真的很熱很熱,如火。明明你可能進入其他的女子,我為何還不能忘掉你。

我希望可以和你作一生的愛。如果一刻鐘就可以代表我的生命,我願是你第一次進入的那兒停下。
我的身體如此愛你,你應該知道。可。你。不。


你很快在我內裡射精。大約是五分鐘。你在內就好。我包含了你。
直到子宮流出你的精液,混和了我的血。你依然不能愛我(無法愛我)。

i need your BLACK cock. huge. hard. hot.

such a beautiful coincidence, i am learnng robert mapplethorpe now.

my Q: who has the ticket to photograph the nudes of black?

lecturer's answer: depending on the mutual-acceptance between the photographer and the subject.

we know there is power everywhere, it is crucial we could be critical to stand behind and look into the hierarchy. of course his works have aesthetic value, however why most of them are ideal type of body representation in the black. is that a stereotyping of the black. how a WHITE guy like him exploring the beauty of the nudes?

the controversial part of his work, perhaps apart from the deviant sexual perference, is his OWN sexual desire toward the object/subject.


personally i like his works on portraits and SM more than the book of black. of coz it is just very personal.

those portraits have their aura, there are spaces behind and in front of the subject. the spatial time is somehow very surreal to me. the emotion and energy just like phosporescence, it's freezing. it is 4-dimentional.


*** *** ***

well, honestly tell me, do u want hugh cock like a baby arm?
or like a baby being feed by plump tits?












our life begins with sex, and always being with it. it is colorless. and transparent.

如果有人問我，你到底想要什麼。

答案可能是你的小量（小小的），毫不起眼的關心吧。
別人可能未有察覺，一個你早在發芽。


一個身體，我的身體，換來的是用血汗拼湊的關係。

一個身體，我的身體，換來的是用血汗拼湊的關係。

比我的手還細，請對我說：含著它。

慢慢就變大了。黑影把我的臉都遮蓋了。

如果身體換不到你清醒時的愛，隨他吧。



起碼，我擁有過你的氣味。而且敢說：這就是你的。
願你高潮時，想的是我。那麼我真的，會好過些。

andres serrano, frozen sperm ii, 1990

sperm competition?

smell of sperm: like the un-used soap , mixed with flour.

the owner of the sperm, is that you?

is K's? is L's? is T's? is M's?is J's? is Y's? is Z's?

how important is your initial, L.

your sperm spill over my belly, my navel is all yours.

full of warmth.

i put your meatus into my mouth, i slowly adding lubricant by saliva.

your erection, the hardest thing in the world.

i sense it, i feel it, i swallow it.

how fragile you are, my dear phallus.

my tougue works over your testis, holding the lifes of others.

who becomes the one, whom sperm merges with me.

my deepest soul, your hottest sperm.

stickiness, holding the gravity between you and me.

i love you

天涯歌女



作曲:黎錦光, 編曲:監製:, 填詞:吳村

天涯呀　海角　覓呀　覓知音小妹妹唱歌郎奏琴　

郎呀咱們倆是一條心噯呀噯呀　

郎呀咱們倆是一條心家山呀　

北望　淚呀　淚霑襟小妹妹想郎直到今　

郎呀患難之交恩愛深噯呀噯呀　

郎呀患難之交恩愛深人生呀　

誰不　惜啊　惜青春小妹妹似線　郎似針　郎呀穿在一起不離分噯呀噯呀　郎呀穿在一起不離分





*** *** ***

王佳芝 這樣一個女孩 誰不愛

用最深刻的身體感受 把自己完全的交付給你

做愛做到都哭了 你的液體 都流到我身體內


郎似針 都痛

我還是想把自己的文字放回這裡

應該是，當我看到世界的時候。不過說一世，也未免太遠了。我不說一世的。


有一次，在文化中心，看見了一片血紅色。那是二戰之後的一幅作品，畫家是Mark Rothko，名字叫《無題》吧。就那麼血紅血紅，如我生之血，我死之血，比我人還高。你永遠不會思考顏色，如永沒放慢腳步看天空。這是第一次我被一種情景淹沒。那種溫柔的暴烈……如火。曾聽過，經歷戰爭的人，不懂亦不能再表現美好的事物。我生之年，太平盛世，我城彷似沒有任何悲傷。可是，我永遠懷疑自己是戰爭之魂，處於不是自己的時代，無所作為，只能輕輕撫摸生命本身。


生命何其悲涼。

mark rothko

Mark Rothko, Untitled,1968, Private Collection

"I am not an abstract painter. I am not interested in the relationship between form and color. The only thing I care about is the expression of man's basic emotions: tragedy, ecstasy, destiny."

mark rothko

*** *** ****


There is only one word to describe me today- depressed.


I have an emotional breakdown even I was completely satisfied with my journey of my beginning of the 30th HKIFF.

For the Fallen, as you might see its style is very Hungarian Style (although the theme is seemingly different). No surprise afterall.

It was 2:48, I was sitting in the cafe outside the Museum of Art to have my lunch alone. I think I should be satisfied, at least for a peaceful moment in my life. After 24 mins, I planned to go to the seminar in the Science Museum. I was in front of Mark Rothko's Canvas however 10 mins later. I get lost. Like you are in the mist with unpredictable obstacles around your body. I am wounded without notice.

I once believed under the biggest format of art presentation, your soul will be healed. Quoted from Rothko, you could only appreciate a piece of art , or the form could only be communicated to their audiences with similar level. I wonder if I truly understand what it means. To me, any form of representation should be very personal, I appreciate the creature with personal touch.
Stepping to the untitled works. I felt like towards his death. I smell blood with violence. Emotion, tragedy, I smell the blood. He killed himself in 1970. His last painting is around my height. I then know that I am in deep depression. I tried very hard to be positive and strong person in the past few weeks, unfortunately all ruin in a second. Uncertainty is everywhere. I am fucking losing myself in front of his work. It's nobody's fault. The moment you feel there is hopeless and cold and couldn't yell.

There is a monster. Eaten my soul. Except these stupid words, I nearly can't express myself in a more accurate and precise way.



Repeated tonight, towards to the end of the 30th HKIFF Marcel Duchamp's Anemic Cinema. With me.

How to ease my sadness?

Satellite image of Berlin, with the wall's location marked in yellow.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berlin_Wall

要是你買了一本拍子簿，在上面寫上我的名字好嗎。


拍子‧角尺


他也許久忘記了說故事，誰不是以故意開始。
記故事，我一本一本格林童話伊索寓言一千零一夜的看，看一遍忘了一篇。
都說好不再有戀愛故事。故事不免要令人想到因為怕遺忘了才記下。

所以都說好，有我的名字要是我不在了語言還是若有若無把我記住了。

在筆尖的墨瘟在藍灰線索之間，這次他再無法不想故事了。因為，敗的是他。

在等待相見的日子，前來的都是別人勸說的故事。
你說我們是在故事開始，不是穿上校服就認定了嗎？

反正一年、兩年、三年、四年、都十年前。

何寶榮向黎耀輝說：「不如我哋重新嚟過」

故事很美麗。故事令人髮指。


哈，他笑了。一時之間不懂反應。
對白中，有停頓。我說要我再說故事，應該很困難，可誰愛沒有故事。

最多只是瞞你：「那是個沒有故事的故事。」
一說出口其實就免不了一個一個故事。

故事有拍子，有你寫上的名字，都是曾經的主角的名字。
左拉右倒，只要出現過，你寫上時便消失了。
我願那是：「那是個沒有故事的故事。一切遺忘了的消失。」


侯麥的一本書名。隨手拿起，在三年前。
明明白白，放低了許多許多年。再上了山莊，是煙燻過的城市。蛋黃紅，有很多有毒的物質。

他以為不看故事就會清醒。
我以為不看故事就會清醒。

其他人根本不能知道我在說故事，你的語境和他一樣嗎？
我要說的故事，是真的，可只能在拍子簿上。

喜歡收集簿，因為它令人以為你有故事把他填充。
寫上了很多，卻誤導你要遺忘。

他以為我們要快寫上名字，故事才開始。
12月24日晚上，我們的故事又開始了。
雖然我故意迴避故事，可這是戀愛了。

年紀的月
你認識我？那一年。
連我也猶豫了。你不過大我數月，怎麼可能。

何寶榮向黎耀輝說：「不如我哋重新嚟過」

我哭得不知所措，你說。

這是2005年9月12日的我

碰巧找到了他

那天晚上 我見了一個很久不見的 曾經很相熟的中學同學



*** *** ****


Suddenly felt that time really passing fast, unbearably. If our high school life is like a mould for well-behaved students to fit in, why should our mindset be so different? Some of us might be professional and very knowledgeable, that I never dreamt of being so and ever wanted to achieve. It’s wired to query about others’ ultimate goal and their values, coz I think everyone should already have a set of rules preset by their family, surroundings, friends, love and himself/ herself, no one should pre-empt others.

I might call myself not very aggressive towards my goal, not even steps by steps, people criticized about my talent and determination. In fact I don’t have to explain everything to you, I just always told you that I have no money to complete (that’s true). Heavy burden.

I hate people tell me to save my money, that’s unrealistic. Please if you are really my friend, don’t try to tell me this bull shit again. I know what I am doing and, yes, a trip to Korea or Taiwan that’s what I can afford. I am not complaining, but please be considerate and don’t trying to reach my bottom line.

Ok, back to my high school life. People changed a lot, or only exaggerating their mode of thinking ever then. My horoscope and sense made me observing people, I can smell them. I do believe high school can develop the closest and purest friendship, however time will ruin and flush some very essential elements of this kind of relationship. You know what I mean, right. If the real thing is the real thing, the remaining is useless. I am sorry, but should all of us have the same feeling, how miserable.

OK, let’s have a concrete example. I joined a focus group of Ming Pao Weekly (MPW), which I am a almost 20 years reader of it. For the past 20 years, their material size is rather hugh and not very portable. Copying from Cosmopolitan, smaller size of Ming Pao Weekly will be published and released since September, 2005. The focus group’s aim is to get feedbacks from their readers and make further improvements, while some of them are from non-readers of Ming Pao Weekly. Ming Pao Weekly related to my high school life as the connection and sentiments to me is also very high; it is full of information and entertainments. In the focus group, 3 of us are readers of MPW and 4 of us are not, with 3 marketing staffs and 4 editors. We tried to build a circle of trust. Pretending not to harm each others and being very carefree, we still have strong stand points. It’s interesting to have different comments and suggestions so to make the world more perfect. Basically we were peacefully discussing the topics about MPW, suddenly all of us had aware there is someone has totally different values among us, which we will call it strange values afterwards. But the conversation has to be continued. What will I do? What will you do?

Even though finally our goal was the same (to end the conversation, to give suggestions, to reflect personal feelings, to gain the incentive or to go to the toilet), we still not yet get MARRIAGE. I am still in checkpoint one only.

簡單一句，如果睇明週長大，一定會記起十多年前麥o麥在小明週出世。一起長大十多年, 不見了幾年, 再在明週出現, 變了幾米, 還有什麼好說。麥o麥只是生活中的一塊碎石罷了。


*** *** ***

先不說文法

很奇怪的

與今天上課的一個情節 十分地相似

像兩年多前的我看兩年多後的我

先知一樣

終你會懷疑誰孕育了誰





有一些想法似乎在某些基層永遠強制別人的自由

不知有多少人明白(或 你想關心)

和而不同是我很喜歡的理念



你沒有要別人喜歡你
可是你可以自由喜歡別人
已是一個莫大的自由

同學的故事．我把他打了在這兒。

故事,情境 如你 如我?

*** *** ***

日期/時間:大若於一九九三年的一個工作天放工(or 返工?)時間。

地點:美國三藩市的一個很繁忙的地鐡站(轉車站)月台上。

氣氛/燈光:地鐡月台上,但由於美國節約能源,所以只有緊緊足夠的光源。

事件:我於OAKLAND放學要趕到SP做兼職,搭BART到OFFICE的地車月台上,很多很多人默默地走著走著到電梯,或衝到對面月台轉車。於交錯中,突然出現我面前的不再是擠擁的人群; 而是如BIBLE中MOSES分紅海般的; 我只聽到「嗒」「嗒」的聲音,再見到的是一個盲人正企圖走過月台轉車,他的「盲公竹」的範圍,人群自然的散開,不知道為什麼雖然月台剛有兩邊的地車經過,只聽到他「嗒、嗒...」的聲音,以及他再也不感到其他人在了......

到現在這影像及聲音依然存在我的腦中...

*** *** ***

看完了,第一個感覺是一個人的分離。故事既是說自己的抽離,也說人的涼薄。

有點點與眾不同, 卻因為如此別人便異化了你。
時常在想, 要麼你把手給他,要麼, 你相信他的堅強,和輕。
我也不必幻想自己比他,幸運。
因為,每個人說到底,也是要經歷自己的生與死。

活在世, 俗比化,更受人愛護。

於是,你愛自己,才愛別人。

似乎要絕對的淫蕩,才足夠把他的情慾推波助瀾。他命令他說:現在就把你的最陰暗的那個屁眼向著我。直至你體內的熱烈都傾巢而出。

你要比不雅更加不雅。阿歷士用手指,如手槍,他的鳩上總是沾著幾滴精水,如玻璃,如水露。
現在,多文力再大聲狂叫亦無補於事。因為他自己的一句戲言,多文力沒有想到阿歷士對他來真的了,此時阿歷士的手已不再放慢,主力地攻擊多文力的屁眼。

多文力開始相信這是來真的,他說你不會是最想上我吧。你喝了酒,我也不怕,你和別人不一樣。我是你的表弟,你就是硬到不能也不能碰我的。而且你知道我要是肯為你用手用口,不過是出於因為你就算是醉了也不碰我。

多文力,他的心美了上來。阿歷士用手指如手槍,鳩像鑲鋼一樣硬,長約14公分。多文力的脣正在慢慢湊合了阿歷士又黑又亮的龜頭,他嗅了嗅把自少便渴求,他的表哥最親密的氣味貪婪的吸吮著。二十年來,多文力不知因渴求這味道而在自己的世界裡幻想著阿歷士的手淫情境,然後射精。

忽然,像經歷了那麼多年。有溫暖的汁液;有嫵媚的花蜜;有了你 ,阿歷士。
多文力越反抗,阿歷士便越粗暴。

他愛他的粗獷,正如人愛貓的高傲。他拿三隻手指進入他的體內,不是他不想進入,而是他要叫他親口說要。

可是多文力卻說,嘴唇貼在他耳邊的汗毛,聲音猶如黑板和白粉筆,一秒一個字。我。愛。你。如。愛自己。也不知是一怒之下或是感動了, 阿歷士把那個漲得有點痛的龜頭不慍不火的推進了他的菊花,沒有潤滑劑,多文力很痛。甚至流了血,圈在阿歷士硬如鋼的鳩上。

你是第一次嗎?如果我做夢見過你,你如血一般紅。

28.05.2007

我如每個你,有時候非常低落。如果形容懶惰,是因為他不想像,缺乏思考,空虛,低潮中的我顯然是想得多了,多了很多。
如海,有破了的酒瓶,酒在混著微腥又清澈的海水。沒有了,一個比一個小的理想。

一個人吃晚飯,你忽然發覺世界一切不過如此:今天是一常餐,明天是麥當勞。吃午飯,你怎說同事都不明白慢食這兩個字。你一生其實,也不過為了生活。
慢慢吃吧, 你心裡想。

我哭,本來要走的路很不同了。新的碼頭路又長又直,我們慢走了十分鐘還是鐵青的臉。你又明白誰在後的各種難過,看不清前景的失措失儀。哭得一地都是紙屑,捲入海底,比船也低。
難過,因為你沒法子繼續。

如果不聽那些電話:「可能沒事...」。雨水,之後,沒有什麼重要事比水更重要。

女子,如我,放不放,在不在我手?

好久沒有寫字

你好嗎? 昨晚與一些大學同學相敘,又談及到很久沒有說起的夢想。
我一事無成,不是因為不喜歡工作;而且工作根本不需要我。
工作需要你去適應的只是一個增長的制度;你要是為公司找到了二十百分比的回報,他們給你少於一。

數字上,永遠是失敗的。

身邊的朋友,很多都有戲要拍; 有相可照; 有街可遊; 有片可剪; 有劇可寫。
不然, 可以離開香港一段日子。
其實也很滿足了。
半年,我想離開半年, 回家後,
可能我依舊不甘心, 依舊沒有什麼作為
可是真的很想離開了。
這是我第一次真的想離開香港。不為什麼, 甚至不是要拍照, 寫字, 學習。
純粹我覺得很累了。
兩個人, 如一個人, 也不知是一個人, 或兩個人。

每天坐地車時,就很失落。有時,與你擦身而過, 可能你頭也不回。
今天晚上學了一首詩, 是這樣的

在人群裡的面貌
彷如花瓣於又濕、又黑的扶梯

浪漫 殘酷
不過是浮在水泥海
在途中或有你的神出現
不過, 死傷者已眾

為了不讓生之火藥傷得我們太重
我會走進水泥 不以誰的名

*** *** ***

也不知是誰為了誰
可是再不生小孩 我就要老了

我

於是,幻想著他的睡眠。我彷彿看見了他的鼻息,在星空下泛起漣漪。似在畫出一個又一個的問號,向整個世界默默的發出反抗。是那麼溫柔美好。

我對他說:「你知道嗎?」

他看起來就像入世未深的孩子,充滿了對未知的盼望和力量。誰人也不能否認。

他笑笑。我告訴他今天發生了點狀況。令我迷失了,某些信仰我願意依附的信仰明顯地不再能反映我的觀念了。他反問我,你究竟在那兒?

我就在那兒認識你,你忘記了嗎?

是錯覺,他不曾見過你吧。在他的那歷史中,如果勉強說他有歷史的話,他不曾見過你。為什麼我總覺得我們是相識的,我不會錯的。我不說謊,所以受傷了。你說什麼也是未來的我想像見到過去的你。我,在回頭碰觸命運,改變了現在。因為有時差。

他點一點頭。似在回應我。原來只是向自己的行禮。往後提起,他也沒有察覺到那一瞬間的默契。我笑了笑,視而不見。往後再提起,他依然否認。

又在自已對自己打電話。你要面對了,手中溜走的氣味其實還永遠在這裡,你明白就好。要麼自愛、要麼自憐、要是害怕了我在你身邊 - 以另一種方式去開導和保護你。我在這裡,他在那裡,互不相干,不能交接時間與時間中的裂痕。


所以在浸蝕了我們。
我甚至看不到一直以為真實的你,與你眼中真實的我。

我需要一片時間的繃帶,去連繫我們。

手中的真實

聽過一些說法,不是過去創造將來的他。而是,將來創造了過去的他 – 歷史。點點頭,似明白了這個接近科學又近似哲學的想法。

時間不是向後溜,只是在別的軌道行走。誰說時間是單向線性的。為了剛過去的時間,他決定面對。

很多有趣的想法見聞令他樂上了半天。知識是建構認知的養份,天空海闊,把頭放在一吋土地上安枕也未免太浪費了。 奇怪有人還是喜歡一成不變的守著自己擁有的東西。安逸很容易,把不夠完善不夠和平的想法打倒便需要很大勇氣。因為真理不是真理,它們是活的。 每一個想法在特定條件時地人下可能是真理,可是難保幾刻鐘後就不再是真理或真實。於是他學習寫作,因為柏拉圖,說只有文字是真理。是因為思想的再現?是因為文字的結構?是因為理解文字需要的共同文化背景?是因為什麼,他一時之間也想不通,想不通才有趣。因為如此他才可以不斷學習。學習生命中種種的際遇。所有概念,是相對嗎?

不甘心停下,所以向各方向發展。什麼也想要知道,什麼也喜歡,什麼也嘗試去接觸,什麼也想要去吸納。開放的態度,討厭有人高人一等。封閉而又抽離的主意他最是害怕。


可是,他有時還是害怕失去。那怕理性上他明白失去與否只是一種錯覺,生命中究竟實在擁有過什麼。可又怎樣,面對害怕失去的情感,有時比未知的恐懼更令人發抖。因為,誰人都以為自己擁有過什麼。

他以為要放棄的種種,根本不在他手中。

自由像你

有些時候，他明白一個人的自由。獨自呆滯地想著天空的氣泡，為大地傾注的暖氣。
他彷彿感覺到一種奇蹟，就在萬變中發生，不及掩耳已令大地產生了能量。
像很多人一樣，他其實很害怕寂寞，不比任何人害怕來的少。
夜深，他總有想不通的事情。為什麼這樣子？為什麼不可以那樣子呢？


夜深，習慣了自言自語。
但是總有關於他的自由。他不能放棄的自由。像小孩子不愛睡覺，想的不知不覺。


天空有時透出綻藍色，迷迷糊糊間與月光相愛。有些時間，他不知不覺睡著了。

夜涼如水，可孤獨並未來襲。



夜深,伴隨了他的心跳,在旋轉起舞。天愛上了地,雖然中間相隔了時差。

緩慢的呼吸,帶來了平和的氣息,不急不喘。有些事情,忽然清澈一片,湧向了他的心房, 充滿了整個空間。
他想起了過去,那是他回憶中的過去。

悲喜都不再那麼重要了。他認為自我不應該放得太高。



他倏地哭起上來。許多許多年前他認為驚天動地的影像,現在流水帳般不著痕跡。
他認為最重要的不可以失去的人,也化了煙, 再也捉不緊,也抓不實。
時間真的可以淡化些什麼感覺。他想。

有多少人是誠心為現在而活。有多少人放下,學習放下你最珍惜的人。
放下比擁有還困難。因為一生人中他的目標是去擁有。像大多數在這兒生活的人,擁有最多擁有快樂。希望擁有等如快樂。

走下去才發現天地間的包容,比他自己封閉了的心靈大很多很多, 甚至不值得比較。
如果自由,放下了自己的觀念;如果自由,不包括戰爭;如果,真的自由。


結果是太多如果,還不算自由。